The Fear of Being Judged and How Can That Mess With Your Online Content

So I’ve been blogging for quite some time now and my inner perfectionist hasn’t been pleased with the results. Each week, I almost forced myself to find new and relevant subjects to write about, making myself forget why I even started SMart Choice in the first place. That alone can get one feel frustration, anxiety and lack of accomplishments.

And then it dawned on me! I was doing it all wrong! A personal blog shouldn’t be built upon what others expect you to write or on what topics you think people might be interested in! Of course you want to put out your best content and make people either feel better about themselves or help their day in one way or another. Of course you want to put out informative and entertaining content that they ask for and/or need at some point.

The part that almost got out of hand is that where I ended up with general subject posts, when all that I wanted to do in the first place is to write from my own point of view, and thus be able to share my story with like-minded people who might be facing the same situations.

But the mind is equally powerful in two ways: it can make or it can brake your ideas. I’ve written before about why I started a platform talking about my MS story and related topics, but the core-reason slipped away.

I remember how alone I used to feel after receiving my diagnosis and all the frustration towards not knowing no one my age that dealed with the same issues. I searched high and low on the internet, stayed away from all the “classic” horror stories one might find and decided to have a place where I can shine a light over this disease and offer a kind word to anyone who might be in the same situation I was.

I had so many things to say, so many stories to share and so much love and encouragement to give, that I focused to much on doing things by the book and ended up leaving myself somewhere along the road, silenced by my own blog. Imagine that! The irony!

I created a fixed structure that aimed to inform, give health tips and lifestyle articles on a weekly basis, touching some of the “hot topics” in the life of an MSer. Things like fatigue, work and changes have been recurrent topics on SMart Choice, and each generated a fair amount of engagement on Twitter and Instagram.

But where did I fit in? I gasped for air as I searched for the authenticity in the story I wanted to tell. I have been totally honest in all of my articles, but something was missing. That something that sparked in an article here and there and then went off in silence.

We all have the fear of being judged and being labeled, even much so when you have a chronic illness that not many people know about. But now I know better! I thought about all the lovely and brave people I’ve got to know over the last year, and that gave me back the courage to speak my own voice. So many MSers out there came into their own and I feel like it’s time for me to do that too.

After all, I am not defined by my illness, but by my power to live life to the fullest, by the things that I am good at and by the kindness I am so wanting to put out in the world. Long story short, I want to rebuild SMart Choice Lifestyle and shape it around the life and the stories I can give to the world. Make it about the point of view that I can add to so many others that are online.

Expect books, short story writing, visual storytelling, yoga, psychology, brain health and more. All that lived on top of what we MSers call “the snowflake disease”, and that others might know as multiple sclerosis.

It feels so good to take that out of my chest! Especially after the massive anxiety attack I had last night. It came out of nowhere and lifted all my senses into flaming fear. But that’s a whole other article. Soon to come!

Sorry if for some of you it might sound a little overdramatic, that’s how my writing tends to be. It’s missing all the voice, gestures and tonallity that you would have when hearing me talk about the same stuff in real life. Curious about any aspect I talk about? Just ask and I’ll be happy to give you an answer as soon as I can.

Lots of love,

Alexandra

Prejudice in Romania & Thoughts on Disability. Multiple Sclerosis Awareness, #SMartWednesday

On this week's #SMartWednesday we focus on why discrimination and prejudice are so damaging to the individual living wih a chronic illness like multiple sclerosis. We get into some detail about the situation in Romania and raise the voice about what needs to be done in order to set things right. Let's get started!

SOME THOUGHTS ON DISABILITY

“Handicaped” is an offensive term for someone who is living with a disability. The fact that you lost a body function or a certain function does not respond well to brain commands doesn't suddenly transform you into a different person. You are still your own self. Nothing changes.

As people, we tend to label as “different” situations and persons we do not understand. Multiple sclerosis is labeled as a “neurological disease”. People who have it are often misunderstood as losing their mind, being handicapped or not being able to be an active part of society anymore.

It’s very easy to see someone with MS as vulnerable and deserving pitty for the condition he or she is in. But we are a lot stronger than that. We only need occasional encouragement when we feel down, access to treatment and our normal life back.

The moment the diagnosis appears, it seems like people begin to look at us only through the illness lens. Somehow, our personality gets blown away and all the public opinion chooses to see is a disease that must be avoided, because it’s scary and / or to difficult to bear.

Hey! There’s a human being in there! Wake up and see!

Even from before they’re born, babies are taken care of and helped get on with their life, no matter what. When adults begin needing the same kind of support, people back away. We hug babies to comfort them, but tell adults to suck it up and move on. If it were so easy!

All that MSers need is being treated equally. Having the same opportunities and rights as healthy people. We did not choose to have this illness, we did not choose to be different, we do not deserve to be ignored just because we had the misfortune to develop an incurable disease.

That is just cruel!

MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS IN ROMANIA

In Romania, the public opinion is not aware of the issues people with multiple sclerosis are facing on a daily basis. The medical system is weak and puts people on waiting lists just to get treatment. Treatment that administered early on prevents the progression and helps the individual lead a normal life, with little to no disability. 

But this issue is not that important to our governers. Political intrigue and televised speeches are more interesting than people who risk losing it all. And losing it all because of the way they’re being treated, not necessarily because of their illness.

The negative mentality and peer pressure issues are often more devastating than the condition itself. Losing social status or close friends and being seen as a freak by a prejudiced society hurts individuals more than multiple sclerosis ever could. As if the fear of losing control over your body isn’t enough!

WHAT IS MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS?

Medically speaking, it is a diagnosis that is characterized by interruptions of normal neural signaling from the brain to the body. Myelin, the fatty tissue that insulates the neurons is destroyed by the overactive immune system of the person who has the condition. 

It is a chronic (long-term) neurological and autoimmune illness that has no cure, but it is treatable. Treatment is the best way to help an MSer extend his or hers normal life, delaying possible disabilities. Unfortunately, the treatment isn’t available to all that need it.

Insufficient funding is the main problem here. The Government has people waiting on lists. Has people on the edge of their nerves waiting for the medicine that will help them relax their minds once more. The anxiety and stress of the waiting process makes the condition worse as time goes by.

The ironic fact about this illness is that it does not discriminate. One of the most discriminating diseases affects people impartially. There are no indicators to who and why will develop it. Some people are more succeptible than others, but there’s no way to tell.

There are about 2 milion people worldwide living with MS. Romania has about 10.000 cases, of which about 25% are being actually treated. And they are still diagnosing people. Not to mention the people who do not know they have it, and go on living or are being diagnosed with something else by mistake.

Meanwhile, the disease progresses. It’s not an individual illness. It is a social issue, as it can affect society’s well being through increased costs for the assisted population. It is a family issue, because someone very close to you might have it and you could not tell.

You could have it and not even know!

WHAT CAN BE DONE? HOW CAN YOU HELP?

Help us raise awareness for multiple sclerosis. Bring it up in discussions, find ways to help. Ask us any questions you may have. We are here to help you understand. We are here to share our story. Together we can control multiple sclerosis and bring hope to those who have it.

We are working on awareness campaigns and plan to launch them in 2016. Want to get involved into raising awareness for multiple sclerosis in SE Europe? Send us an email at smartchoice.livingwithms@gmail.com. We would love to hear from you!

This was all for this week’s #SMartWednesday! Thank you for reading and if you would like to receive my next articles right into your mail, subscribe to SMart Choice Lifestyle by filling your email adress in the box on the upper right. Join my SMart Warriors list to receive access to Premium content and many more!

Have a most wonderful day!

Sincerely, 

Alexandra & the SMart Choice Team

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Multiple Sclerosis Version

When did I become so angry? Where is this rage comming from? Who did I become? These are few of the questions I ask myself when anger gets the best of me. It hurts. It hurts the people around me, the people I care and most of all it hurts me. I get to be the victim. My own victim. Or MS’s? Read on…

Being diagnosed with MS and having to live with fear of, well… just about everything that could cause a relapse or a worsening of symptoms, isn’t an easy flower do deal with. It has ups and downs, moments of sheer fright and despair, and then it all gets back to normal. Or your new normal, given the case. Top that with the general indifference people have, and you are left with a ticking bomb ready to burst at the smallest innapropriate gesture or word.

Nowadays, we all get frustrated with everyday life. MS makes things more… interesting, to say the least. One minute you’re OK, the next you shout at your colleague and the next you cry uncontrollably.One day I’m my own self, laughing, being upbeat and feeling good, and the next I can shift my mood and act grumpy, irritated. Everything seems to annoy me. I transform from the respectable Dr. Jekyll into the ferocious and sneaky Mr. Hyde.

I noticed that I am more prone to anger when I am tired. When fatigue kicks in, my patience and kindness dissaper alltogether and I honestly feel like biting people’s heads off. I become unreasonable and a true cinic. After I calm down I honestly don’t like myself very much. I feel sorry and sometimes ashamed of my reaction. All the anger I supress at a given time, gets out in spectacular agressive and hysterical outbursts. And then I calm down. Or cry and then calm down. Let’s not be picky here!

How I met Mr. Hyde

The first time it happened was after the two months following my optic neuritis and corticosteroid treatment. Corticosteroids are known to affect underlying anxiety that you may have. And they did: count in the full blow of being given a MS diagnosis, count in not knowing much of this disease and you have my first anxiety outbreak with lots of rage sprinkled on top. And with lots of cheers from my public, of course.

The second one came after many people kept telling me that I am way to agressive since my diagnosis, and that I need to calm down. I got mad at them for saying those things, and I thought I would get better. I was wrong. Enter the second anxiety attack: I was feeling guilty of how I was making others feel. I thought I was not being worthy of their understanding That left me feeling even more angry about my diagnosis, and why was this necessary, why did it have to happen to me? The public was in awe.

The third was before my lumbar puncture, when I nearly had a panic attack. Although I read all the information I could get my hands on, although I received many encouragements from my family and the guys from my online community… I pannicked. But that got out of the way fast. My lumbar puncture went out without any nightmares and it was all OK in the end. The public is exthatic.

The fourth time was after a full morning of pins and needles in the eye I had the optic neuritis. I took all the antinflamatory stuff that usually make me better: vitamin D3 supplements, turmeric tea with honey. I ate some fish and it gradually dissapeared. But my anxiety didn’t, and guess what? I had a full outburst, tears, anger and all the scary stuff. The public is fascinated!

After all that, having a conversation with my boyfriend made me remember how strong I really am. MS is just the cheating, backstabbing entity that it is, and you have to ignore it most of the time. Many months ago, when I got my diagnosis, I promised myself that it will not get the best of me.

How to help Dr. Jekyll

When you’re fighting a lifelong battle with MS, there might be some casualties along the way. The trick is to minimise their number and preferably to avoid hurting your family and friends. You need to learn how to cope with these emotions. You need to train and discipline your Hyde-reactions. Channel all that energy into constructive activities, that will benefit you on the long term.

For example, your release valve could be one of the following:

• yoga and meditation;
• horseriding;
• dancing;
• gardening
• writing (my personal favourite!)

Each person is different. MS is different to each of us. We each have our own Mr. Hyde. Study it, learn its triggers and quirks and adopt the strategy you find to be more effective.

Then get in front of the mirror and say the following:

“Here I am, Mr. Hyde! Game on! Yours trully, Dr. Jekyll.”

(Don’t worry, he will not answer back. He is a coward. Be stong!)

Sincerely,

Alexandra Celic

P.S. Question: How do you cope with anger and mood swings in your daily life? Share your answer on Facebook, Twitter or in a comment down below.

Thanks cdiz for the image used in this article!

About being scared

Have you ever been scared? So scared that you almost can’t move? That you almost can’t think? And most of all, that you almost can’t cry? Well I have been there, and thankfully came back. Not once, but several times since my MS diagnosis.

I’ve asked myself “What kind of person are you? Are you a coward? Are you weak?”. And the answer came immediately: “I am courageous, strong, but I get scared!”. Multiple sclerosis is not a little flower to deal with. It has quirks and bousts of anger and it all comes from within you. Your own body is attacking you. Could you deal with this? Knowing that randomly, your body decides to fail you, although it has been there for you for your whole life. Untill now.

Life is already a sum of uncertainties and surprises, good or bad. MS only adds up to that. Living life is not an easy task by itself. Not knowing if your body will go against you or not, whether your vacation will be carefree and if you will be able to care for your loved ones IS scary. The mere thought of losing control of one of your senses, or of one of your limbs, not being able to read, move or touch IS scary.

Funny how “scar” got into “SCARy”! MS scars are SCARy. You have the right to be afraid. You have the right to grief and cry your eyes off. You have the right to be angry. But you also have the OBLIGATION TO GET BACK TO YOURSELF!

Get healthy! Get fit! Get relaxed! Eat a proper diet, exercise as much as you can and try to not stress so much about multiple scerosis. The SCAR is there. Don’t rub it! You’re right! It’s SCARy. Now get on with life.

Breathe!

Sincerely,

Alexandra Celic

MetamorphosiS. An MS story and all in between - ep. 3 - And so it begins...

What do you do when you’re facing danger from within? You don’t know the cause, but you’re feeling anxious, scared even. You feel that things are not in the way they’re supposed to be and that is more to it than you thought. Going in to have a treatment that will finally make you feel better should be comforting, right? At least a bit, right? Not if you fear needles and the doctor tells you that you have to face them for three or five days in a row. And not just a pinch, an i.v. An i.v. with a drug that you know has side effects that will expose your body to reduced immune function and predispose it to infections, amongst other issues.

Telling your loved ones

My dad took the news rather well. He sounded so calm on the telephone! I didn’t expect him to be so straightforward about it. Maybe I should just get the treatment done and then get on with life. Yes, that’s the way to do it. Or maybe it isn’t?! I’m confused. If I don’t go to the hospital to get those i.v’s, my vision will get worse. The neurologist said so “You only have two eyes. It’s your decision!”. I want to keep my eyesight. I do. But needles? Five days in hospital? The last i.v. I ever had was more than 20 years ago. Dreaded needles! I hate needles! Is it really necessary to go through this? I’ll do some googling when I get home.

The air is so hot today. Taxis are always such a furnace to travel in. But I rather go through this than being stuck in a crowded bus or metro. I can let my mind wonder without paying attention. And be scared once again. Calm down, Alexandra! Calm down! I’ll have this treatment done and then it’s over.

Right here is fine! Thank you, sir. How much is the ride? Here you go! Have a good day! Home at last! I’m safe… and sound! Maybe not so sound. Let’s see. Not so good, but we see.

Optic ne-u-ri-tis. There it is! Only 25% of the total cases turn out to have multiple sclerosis. I don’t have to have multiple sclerosis. It’s only an issue with my eyes. I want another opinion from my ophthalmologist though. We’ll see what she has to say and if I have to get that treatment done, I will. But part of me wants to get it done! Arghhh! Where’s that ashtray? Of course! It’s in the kitchen, where I left it! The smoke rises so fast. It’s such a beautiful day today! Damn it. I can’t even smoke this cigarette. What’s wrong with me?

Five hours later and the same thought goes on and on. Scary thought, crazy thought. Is there something really wrong going on? I like my life the way it is now. There’s the door opening. Dimi finally got home. I want a hug. A fat, big hug! “Hey, I missed you!”, “Missed you to! Hey! What a hug! Is everything alright? What did they tell you?”. I need air “I need five days of hospitalization.”

Coming to terms

I feel scared because I don’t know the source of the danger that makes me stress. I am facing the unknown, and as with all moments in life that we are dealing with a situation that we are not familiar with, we get anxious. I get anxious. I look for solutions, I try to get back to my comfort zone.

I don’t really need that treatment, do I? The eye problem will resolve itself like many others did in the past. I can trick my body into getting over this one to. Or maybe this time I can’t? The doctor said that I must do this if I don’t want any major problems. I need my eyes, I want my eyes back. Both of them. They all encourage me to do this. To get better and do this for myself. They want me to be well, to get it done and then resume life.

Finally I agree and start preparing for five days away from home. It’s only a small amount of time to lose as I get my sight to normal. It will be over in less than a week. There is no way around it. I have to go through this. I’m brave enough. I know I am.

Dimi is going to be by my side every day. He promised that. I know he means it. I love him so very much for that! Mum prepares snacks and water. Dad looks for a cab, and off we go to the hospital!

First night at the hospital

Such a quiet place! Such an alien place to be in. It’s like we’re on field trip. Like we’re visiting something. I’m safe. I’m with the people I love and who love me back.

This is a quiet E.R. to be in! That’s funny! Oh, wait! There’s an ambulance rushing in. My mistake! It’s not quiet, it’s quietER. Get it? QuietE.R…. Nevermind!

We now have to wait our turn to see the shift doctor. Ok, I’ll go get a coke from the vending machine. Mum is so anxious. Dad is quiet… Dimi is … Dimi is focused and making me laugh.

It’s our turn. I’ll go in alone. I want it that way. Nice doctors here. They treat you right. God! I’m checking in to get emergency treatment done, and all I can think is how nice the E.R. doctors are! That’s good! My moral is up. Up and away! Away to the hospital room that will house me for the following days.

Mum and dad stay a bit behind, Dimi comes with me and the assigned nurse. As I walk up the stairs I know that I am out of my comfort zone now! Way out! Breathe, don’t forget to breathe!

The room’s nice, airy and quiet. All here is so quiet. It’s a common room, and all of my roommates are old enough to be my mum or my grandma. That’s ok! I get along well with people. I’ve always known how to connect with them. I’m almost shy now, but I’ll get used to it. The things one has to get used to!

First blood tests. Here comes my best friend, the needle. Look away and breathe!

Mum comes in and tells me that dad went to the pharmacy to buy the treatment for the following days. He’ll be back soon. Oh, there he is! He’s smiling and telling me everything will be alright. I smile back but I’m scared. There’s this gut feeling again! Something’s wrong, dunno what, but it is!

Mum makes sure everything is in place and that I have all that I need. I tell her I’m fine. They say goodbye for the day. I can see mum almost crying. Dimi stays for a while longer. We go out on the hallway. He hugs me so tight that I can’t breathe for a moment. We kiss and I know that I am not alone in this. I know there’s a bond. We stay in the hug just a little bit longer. We make plans for the following day. He’ll be back here at 8 a.m. sharp! Yay! The hospital guard comes to tell us that is 8 p.m. and all visitors must leave. Dimi is leaving.

I turn my back to the stairs and go back to my bed to get changed. They said the treatment will begin in an hour. I go to the bathroom and put on my tights and a grey t-shirt. I’m comfortable. I feel safe. But I am alone. That’s allright! I’m a big girl! I can do this!

My roommates are actually ok. I was afraid that I would feel awkward. But they’re friendly and we share stories. I needed to talk. I needed to vent. They somehow feel the need to protect me. I’m the youngest one there. The’re all above 40 and I’m only 28. They all say that I’m going to be fine! “Such a young girl! You’ll finish treatment and it will all be over, dear!”.

Treatment is here, by the way. A nurse brought it in. She explains the proceedure and shows me the i.v., and then asks for my hand. I gasp for air. The needle gets in, and I can feel the medicine beginning to flow. I’m told to lie down in a comfortable position. The nurse is going to ckeck on me once in a while, to see if the i.v. is done.

Remember the nice E.R. doctor? He comes in and asks if everybody is ok. He particulary comes near me and asks if my mum was alright in the end. They talked and she cried. She got scared for me. “I told her that if you have optic neuritis, there are chances that it might be MS. But that’s not a rule. We’ll see. Are you alright with the i.v.?”.

My soul dropped. After the doctor left I called my parents. I asked them if they are alright. I once more heard the reassuring voice of my dad, who told me not to worry to much, because we got this and we’re gonna put up to it no matter what. To be strong and have a good night’s rest. We’ll see each other tomorrow.

Every journey begins with a small step

It’s now lights-out in the E.R. ward. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking of what has happened, and turn it inside-out. Of one thing I am certain: my sight is already getting better, treatment works. I learn to be patient and brave. I can do this! Day one is almost over. It’s 4 a.m. and the first i.v. is done. I turn on my side and slowly fade into sleep.

And so it begins...

(go back to Ep. 2 - Breathe, just breathe!)

P.S. Question: How did your MS story begin? Share your answer on Facebook, Twitter or in a comment below. I'd love to hear from you!

Sincerely,
Alexandra

METAMORPHOSIS - ep. 1 - Just a normal weekend

"Metamorphosis" - Greek μεταμόρφωσις, "transformation, transforming", from μετα- (meta-), "change" and μορφή (morphe), "form". (source)

(image source)

Prologue

MS changes you. It makes you more aware of your past and present faults. Even of your future ones if you’re not careful. It makes you scared, anxious and stressed. It pumps fear, uncertainty and aggitation. And all of a sudden something changes. You change. For the better? For the worse? Only time will tell. Wait and see. Have patience and read through the lines. The Metamorphosis has begun!

~~~

Friday - 07:00 a.m.

For Heaven’s sake! Does this alarm has to ring e-very morning? OK, OK! I’m up, I’m up! There! I turn you off, stupid alarm!! (like you turned me off a few seconds ago). Thank God it’s not raining again. The good thing is that today is Friiiidaaay! Weekend at last. What should I wear today? … A pair of jeans, this shirt… and I think I’ll take the black blazer too. The rain could make us all a big surprise again. The coffee smells good today! Hm, a ciggarette would be nice! Five minutes and it’s all done!

Ooooukey! Let’s put some make-up on! Why does my eye socket hurt? It must have been the damn air conditioning at the office. And I told Miranda not to overuse it! It blew right in my face. Oh, well! It will pass… For two days I’ll be out of the office and cold-air free! … Where did I put my mascara…? Here it is! … Ahhhh! Damn it! Can’t believe I hit my eye! How sleepy can I be? Ahhh, it stiiings! Let’s wash it off… no, I can’t do that! I’ll be late… Hmm… A Q tip will do the trick! It always does! … Yay! I got rid of the sting. It might have been a lash. I don’t have time to worry about it. It’s already 8 o’clock! Another 10 more minutes and I’ll be out the door.

08:45 a.m. - At the office

I’m the first one to get here! Again… Opeeen the laapptoop and … go smoking again… it’s only 08:50, I have a little time left.. and it’s Friday after all… I wonder if someone will reach the sales target this month… Haha! Wait and see. Who knows what could happen! It would be so nice if my eye would stop itching.. and that pain! I’ll stop at he pharmacy on my way home.. they must have something to help me deal with this! … Somebody came in… 

- Hi, Miranda! I was waiting for you! What’s up?
- Oh, I just came from dropping my little one at the kindergarden. God, he made such a fuss out of being left alone. Again. By me!
- Poor thing, Miranda! I thought he was already getting used to his new schedule and all…
- It seems like he needs a little more training or.. dunno! Maybe I’ll spare him of kindergarden and hire a nanny ‘till he’s able to go to school. Haha!... Is coffee ready?
- Yes, I made a fresh batch. Help yourself. We have milk in the fridge.
- Finally! Oh, by the way! We’re alone at the office today. Between home-offices and vacations we’re left to concentrate on our sales strategies.
- Yeah, right! As if that was the reason for the others being at home. Oh, well! Let’s get on with the day. I finished my cigg, so I’ll be waiting for you in the office. You’re OK with that?
- Yes, no problem. Go, I would be there shortly.

11:17 a.m.

My eye still hurts! Did I got something in it as I was walking here from the bus station… I don’t think so… Miranda?!

- Yes..
- Could you please help me with something?
- Sure, what’s the matter?
- I think I got something in my eye. Could you take a look and tell me if you see something?
- … Hmm… there seems to be no .. wait! I see a little .. I dunno what it is.. a thin puff, let me get it out for you.
- Here’s a Q tip.. see what you can do with it.
- OK.. staaay still and don’t blink! I thiiink I got itttt… Yep! It’s out, you should be fine now!
- Thank you, Miranda! It feels much better now. Imagine how my day might have been with something in my eye! Imagine the productivity… the lack of it! Haha!
- Ehhh, nobody would have accused you of not wanting to push hard on your sales today! Hehe!
- OK! Let’s get to work!

13:30 p.m.

My eyes are tired.

- Miranda?! I’m taking a short brake. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me, OK?
- OK, dear! Go relax for a bit. You haven’t got off that chair in three hours!

I can’t smoke! It’s too hot outside and having this window open feels like opening the gates to Hell! Hehe! That’s why I love summer! NOT! Neah! Don’t feel like smoking anymore. Let’s get back to work. A few more phone calls and a bunch of emails and I’m home free! Weekend at last!

- Back already?
- Yep! Too hot outside!
- Are you done with calls today?
- No, I have a few more left, but I’ll wrap it up in an hour or so.
- Good!
- But my eye still stings!
- Meeeh, you just have the remaining sensation. I got that thing out, remember?
- Yeah, but I can almost feel it still in there. And my eye is tired. Almost blurry.
- It will pass. Stay calm and take short brakes. You tire your eyes looking constantly at that screen.
- I’ll relax them a bit!

17:55 p.m.

I can almost feel a slight headache rising through…

- Miranda?! (damn, my socket feels like it's burning!) Miranda… I’m done for the day! How’s your work going?
- Uhhm, not so good! I think I need to work on it for about an hour more. Are you OK?
- I hope so! My head hurts a bit and that damn eye still bugs me!
- Oh, poor you! Calm down, it will be ok! Go buy some eyedrops and some ibuprofen and you’ll be fine!
- Yeah, that was just my plan! Thanks for the advice. See you on Monday! (If my eye gets better!)
- See you on Monday! Have a nice weekend!
- You to, Miranda! Byyye!
- Bye!

18:30 p.m. - At the pharmacy

Wait, my eye cleared a bit! Yay! Let get those drops and get home.

- Hello! Could you give me some eyedrops and an ibuprofen, please?
- Sure! … Here you go!
- Thank you! Have a good day!
- You too!

18:45 p.m. - Home at last!

Hey! Dimi is home!

- Hi love! Didn’t expect too see you home so early!
- Hey gorgeous! … We finished the viewing and there was nothing more left to do so he sent us home!
- What a nice man, this boss of yours! When he wants to, that is!
- It has to suit his interests first, as always! How was your day?
- Fiiine! I reached the upper half of my target…
- Good for you!
- … and resolved all my to-do’s for today. But my eye kept hurting and I could not concentrate as good as I would of wanted!
- Does it still hurt now?
- Yes, unfortunatelly! It cleared up, but my socket still aches! After dinner I’ll take a painkiller and get ot over with.
- Oh, don’t worry! These things happen! … Do you have eye drops?
- Yes, I also bought some of those.
- Come here, you little beautiful one!
- Dimitri, it feels so good to be home!

Sunday - 11:02 a.m.

Oh, well… it’s Sunday! Bummer! Tomorrow that alarm is going to ruin my sleep again! But in the meantime, let’s enjoy the beautiful July weather outside!

- Dimi, could you pass me the lighter please?
- Here you go!
- Thanks! Breakfast was sooo good! I’m living with a real top chef! Haha!
- But of course, my dear! Hehe! Especially for you! By the way! How’s your eye?
- After the discomfort I had yesterday… a bit better now. I can see clearly once again.
- I’m so glad! You got me a little bit scared there.
- Eh, it’s probably nothing!

16:22 p.m.

I’m so tired! And this Sun is hitting me right between the eyes. Let’s move a bit. Ouch! I got some ciggarette smoke in my eye. Wait! It’s not the smoke! The pain came up agin. I’m feeling a little headache comming too. Ehh… get over it.. I’m tired… I’ll sleep it of!

- Alex!
- Yes, Dimi! What is it?
- Could you read this message for me? I can’t do it untill I finish rolling this chicken, or we’ll have burned barbecue! Heheh!
- ‘Course, dear!...
- Well, what does it say?
- Wait, I can’t see the writing well!
- What do you mean?
- My vision is foggy! And this damn headache!
- Are you OK, Alex? Let me get these off the grill… Here, come and sit down!
- I dunno what got into me. I was feeling fine a few hours ago.
- You must have that eye checked soon. Make an appointment sometime next week.
- No, I’ll make one for tomorrow.
- And what about work?
- Work can wait. I would not be able to work with this pain anyway.
- Call your boss and first get a leave of absence, to be sure.
- Ok, I’ll do that, and then make my doc’s appointment.
- I love you, you little in pain one! Hehe.
- I love you too, but leave me alone for a bit! Let me make the call.

17:05 p.m.

… To-mo-rrow… at 10 a.m. .. OK! Thank you very much! Goodbye!

- Dimi, all done! I made my appointment for tomorrow morning at 10.
- Good! Would you like me to come with you?
- No, it’s just a check-up. She’ll probably give me some eye drops and send me home.
- OK.

Monday - 10:00 a.m.

Why am I so anxious? It’s not my first eye control. That eye sore, or viral conjunctivitis, or what the Hell it was passed so quickly… I bet this one will be the same!

- Good morning! Nice too see you again, doctor!
- Good morning Alex! What brings you here? I hoped our meetings would be fewer.
- Oh, just a check-up. My right eye has been hurting me for the whole weekend. I think I also got a headache from it a few times.
- Take a seat here, please. Let us check it! … Allllriiight! Can you read this for me, please? …. OK! Good! Now this line, please! ….. This one… OK! You did good!
- I’m usually good at this! Hehe!
- Yes you are! Put your head here, please! Keep your eye still… don’t move...or blink.. OK, let’s do the other one!
- OK. Same moves, right?
- Same ones, yes! … Did you have any reading problems.. as not being able to distinguish between letters or needing to squint to see a word..
- No, I did not have issues like that! Why?
- Because from what I can see here, there’s nothing wrong with your vision. Did the pain upset you much?
- Yes. It was constant, and it hurt as I rotated or moved my eye from side to side.
- Let me see those eyes again! Put your head here… OK… and now the other eye...
OK! As I said before, your vision is perfect, but I think there’s something wrong with the optic nerve. Did you ever took a visual field exam?
- No.
- I would want you to have your visual field checked up and go to a neurologist to see if all things are alright. Then comeback and we’ll look at the results.
- Why are these necessary?
- As I said, your vision is good, and I can’t see what is wrong. A visual field chart and a neurologist’s opinion would help me make the right choices for you. Here is your letter of recommandation… your diagnosis is retrobulbar optic neuritis. Make an appointment for these two, and then come back here to look at the data together.
- All right! Thank you, doctor! I’ll schedule them for tomorrow! Have a nice day!
- You too! And lots of health!
- Thank you!

… Funny thing! I’ve always been curious about a neurology exam. It seems I got my wish now!

(continue to Ep. 2 - Breathe, just breathe!)