Make The Right Choice for Your Broken Heart. Come and See! | SMart Choice Lifestyle

As I’m writing this, outside it’s freezing cold: -15 degrees C at just 11:30. Although if you just looked outside my window it will well be misleading, as the Sun is up and shining. But the frost is also biting! So, with that being said, we’re starting today’s article with me being all bundled up with my laptop sitting on my lap, inside my home-office.

A year ago, I gradually got the urge to look over my faith. I was born into a Christian Greek-Orthodox family, knew the general stuff, believed that God existed, but that was about it. This black book that my dad gifted me back in 2006, was staring at me from the shelf, and one day I picked it up. "Let's really see what these stories teach me!". But that was just the beginning. The best part of my life was yet to come.

I agree that life is a process and you need to come back to it over and over again. I know that things aren’t fixed and reality can change in the blink of an eye. Mine surely did on the day of my diagnosis! Most people choose a more spiritual life path when they’re faced with a crisis in their lives. When something happens to them, they need to cope and search for something outside of them that might help.

We’re all on a lookout for some kind of spiritual experience, something that will transcend us and hopefully transform us from the inside-out and get us out of this mindless living pattern. In today’s world, the ability to decide what type of spirituality we follow is made easy by the multitude of choices that are at our reach: meditation, mindfulness, yoga, retreats, and all that jazz. Our pick becomes part of our identity and for that needs to feel authentic to us. And although you might have heard me talk all about yoga, meditation and letting the energy flow, there came a point in my life when all that left me empty once again.

We live in a digital world, have all the social media networks, tons of friends and followers, all the things we can buy at our discretion, but we feel alone. Somehow not quite understood. The things we cherish most are those close bonds we get to have with the people we love.

Something is clearly missing from the picture and our lives can get pretty mechanical and without purpose. The gloomy picture I’m painting here has nothing to do with the nasty weather outside. It has more to do with that inside feeling we all have when nothing ever pleases us anymore.

Gathering material possessions won’t make us happy forever. The clutter we create by buying so much stuff is there to compensate for the lack, the void we feel within ourselves. Once we outgrow our passions, all that until yesterday we thought was exciting becomes today the most boring thing ever.

Little by little, we become robots, we imitate, we follow fashions, man-made role-models, watch TV shows, movies, go to concerts, go on vacations, to parties, to work, to a pub, to a birthday… And it’s exhausting. It damages both our bodies and our souls. The sad part is that not so many people are aware of this and most of them never do anything.

Most of us (especially in our 20’s and 30’s) are overwhelmed, our minds are racing and we have a gazillion things to do on our lists but nothing seems to make us truly happy or peaceful.

Through all this inner search, the only thing that was left standing were the prayers I learned when I was little and the need to somehow getting closer to God.

“As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

(Steve Jobs - Stanford Commencement Speech - 2005)

With the help of The Bible Project (@thebibleproject) reading plan and their digitally drawn video Bible stories, I dove deep. By December 24th 2016, I've finished reading it all, minus the so-called Apocryphal texts.

This year I'm continuing my journey by reading the entire Bible a second time, looking at how Jesus is being foreshadowed and God's love for us even when He punishes us. Also going in parallel with the Apocryphal chapters, for a 360 view on the topic.

The smartest choice I've made so far is to constantly search for Jesus in all there is around me. Being the curious person that I am, I even researched HIM in great detail. No regrets there! He is my daily companion in whatever I do, and definitely my biggest resource for all things personal or business.

Imagine having a best friend that will never leave or let you down, that will always tell the truth about who you are through your conscience and who although will sanction you for your mistakes, will always love you and care for you no matter what happens. Jesus is a personable God, one that you can establish a connection with. He never leaves us. We’re the ones who always leave Him. And that’s when all those bad things happen to us. All.The.Time!

Why search for inner peace in a form of energy or in a universal field, in a guided meditation? The world today is full of logical, scientific and factual data on spirituality, the power of the mind and so on. But brain anatomy and how to control brainwaves are a million miles away from our hearts. Faith speaks to the heart, but it only works if you choose to be humble and honestly admit your failures and mistakes.

I agree that each one of us has choices and free-will. Just come and see! Experience it for yourself. Make it intentional and explore. You first have to believe in order to have faith. Some connection needs to happen within you. Some distress, some suffering that knocks your world upside down and that nothing seems to heal you. Believe with all your heart and ask for help.

May you all have a wonderful year, guys! Let me know if you'd like to read more stories like this or are interested in details of my journey. God bless you, no matter your beliefs!

Until next time, have a wonderful day!

Denisa

Why You Need to Follow Your Heart. Time Waits for No One

As I'm sitting here with my late-time cuppa, cloudy weather and writing in English, my inner reality couldn't be more different than what's really happening outside this room. But that's what dreamers and idealists do. Or at least that's what I have been told.

I always loved escaping into words and daydream. When I was a kid, it was all productive and such, as it was my job to have an imagination an develop interesting worlds and stories. The worlds I was constructing had strong visuals and fierce heroes. But that was back to the time of dinosaurs. Kids today are technology-bound, well adapted to a world of gadgets and science.

But what about one's soul? What about one' purpose?

My generation lived mostly in its head and thoughts. This generation lives more in its social media pages or apps. Things change and there's nothing wrong with that! It would be pretty hypocritical of me to criticize tech, as I'm writing this from a wireless-connected laptop, as I just finished a mini-browsing of my Facebook and Instagram.

All that I'm saying here is that we need a return to ourselves, to our inner beings, to our hearts. We are so connected, so informed, so skilled, so prepared nowadays, that we forget to stand still and often find ourselves on autopilot. Mostly like a machine.

It all comes back to the soul. To the heart. To the purpose.

For the past 7 years, my life has been like the one of a hamster on a treadmill. That's the typical image of a 30-something in this century. I was doing all of what society and peers were expecting of me, yet I wasn't fulfilled. "Things can't always be perfect!" I kept telling myself in order to soothe that restlessness I had inside. Over and over again.

Numbing life with life and getting smacked down by life.

Ironically enough, our minds are not the masters of the lives we have. We might... think we have control over what's happening, but if we don't take conscious choices, if we don't stand up and fight for what we believe in, it all happens to us. And then it leaves us with a lesson to learn and a question to answer: "Will you follow your heart?".

Again and again, life decided to give me some "subtle" pokes. 

As a storyteller, I dreamed of becoming a movie director, to be able to tell stories through image, sound and words. Life happened. Peer pressure made me give up because "There's too much competition! You'll lose precious time! Take the safe path!". Ended up studying Sociology for four years instead. 

Yeah! Like this proved to be the "safe path". Either way, it was my choice.

Finished Uni, got admitted to a Master's programe, got my first job as a Life Insurance Consultant (the irony of selling life protection when mine was going to be tumbled down!). 

Life happened. My mother got breast cancer

That marked my first meeting with chronic disease and full-on regret. Feeling sorry for all that I made wrong, for all that I should have or shouldn't have said made me realize that we always have a choice to how we act. We always have a choice to do or not to do something. I chose to be strong for her and look for stability. I wasn't living for myself. I was now living for her. 

So I changed jobs to a place that in other conditions I never would have looked at. 

But I ended staying there for two and a half years. I learned how mean and double-faced human nature can be, and how damaging stress can be. Looking back, this experience also taught me to be humble and serve others, despite of their behavior. I was beginning to learn life. 

At the end of those years, I chose me above all else, and quit. The pressure on my emotions was too big and wanted to brake free. I give my praise to God that my mother recovered and is still a part of my life. It made me begin to lose Ego.

Got another job in sales and vehicle management coordination, and felt at ease. I was beginning to get back to myself bit by bit. But after only seven months, and having the past experience of feeling trapped in a place I didn't belong, I chose to leave and pursue my own thing (once more) in graphic design. 

I had just finished a beginner's course and was preparing for my final exams, Steve Jobs just died and made me become aware of my own limited time. I compulsively watched his Stanford 2005 Commencement Speech until it became engraved inside my mind. 

Although it was a normal consequence of life, death still scared me and put some anxiety all over my actions. Do things now!

So I did! Got the best results at the Graphic Design exam, and went into planning mode to pursue my dream. The focus was mostly on myself and on what I would achieve.

In came life again. Because, you know, shit happens! My grandma died

At the beginning of that year, the woman who was one of the pillars of my personality and the one that I drew much of my inspiration from was gone. Leaving me with an inflamed Ego and a big regret that I wasn't more time there for her.

Time doesn't wait for anyone. Life goes on even without your input. I needed to choose once again. I thought of her, and what would she want me to do. 

I just started a Photography course, as it was the closer that I could get to telling visual stories. Given the death of a close family member, many would have stayed at home for some days, grieve and then go back to their activities. But I chose to be strong once more and go to my course. 

So, that night I stayed at her wake, went to sleep at 7 am, rested for 4-5 hours, and then went to class. Nobody knew, nobody saw anything on my face. I kept it to myself. Once more, I chose to be strong for my family and do the right thing. There's a whole other story about this experience, but I'm not going to cover this now, maybe in a later post.

All these experiences were bringing me back to God

I always been like this. I grew up an Ortodox-Christian, not actually a church-goer, but passionate about all those stories in the Bible and God's goodness and protection. In my deepest despair, He is the one I turn to, He is the one my soul needs. Nothing else. Even if I do it unconscious, when I get afraid, I pray.

That year I prayed to be happy. I let my soul in His hands and prayed for it to be soothed. 

And it was. That fall I began a relationship with my best friend, a guy I've met at my Graphic Design course and that quickly became my go-to person. He is similar to me in so many ways (good and bad), that I really couldn't have asked for a better match. I wouldn't had known what to ask for! Our relationship grew stronger as months went by. We had our ups and downs, but it was all fine in the end. 

Life resumed its course. I got a job as a Shop Manager for a telecom retail company, got passed some of my limits, learned a lot about me and people once again. But something felt off again. Stress was much higher than my inner feeling of fulfillment. It ended up putting great strain on me, and I came to work only to wait anxiously to get back home to my plans, peace and quiet. So I left. It didn't feel right. 

As I felt myself calming down, I began to see things clearly and once more planned starting my own thing. 

Guess what?! Once more it didn't happen right!

I planned to get a job in order to raise money to start my own photography business. Found a job in sales, advertising space and client relationship. All good, all stressful as always, but it was comfortable. Somehow, my dream got postponed, as I never felt quite ready. I was scared shitless, to be honest!

Life grew bored with my behavior and decided to give me one more "poke". Into my right eye. On a Friday.

The time when it happened was just right, as I once more grew to comfortable into being pushed and pulled by life and not listening to my intuition. Whenever that happened, fear took command and made me settle, going totally against my dreams of always going for what it feels right.

I told the story of my multiple sclerosis diagnosis here. The thing that I would like to add to it is that as I write this story, I understand that our lives are empty without doing something with purpose, without really using the gifts we have been given. 

I have always loved to write and tell stories. I was always able to leave myself aside in times of great distress and turn to helping others.

Now you tell me. What do you choose: a life that happens to you, or one designed by choice? 

Because things will always happen, go well, go bad, get stuck, or anything else. But what really matters is what you do with the cards that you have been dealt, and how you use them to serve others? 

For me, that's what life is all about: smart choices. God knows what He's doing. Always!

Liked this post? Subscribe HERE, to be sure we stay connected. Let me know if you’d want me to write a more extensive piece on this topic, or on smaller topics from it. Would love to hear your opinion on this! Leave your comments down below.

Sincerely yours,

Denisa

Creative Choices: Why Visual Storytelling Is So Important? (Shapes Studio - Visual Storytelling) | SMart Choice Lifestyle

The most important images are the ones infused with emotion. The ones that make us remember the day, the person, how we felt and what our thoughts were. Those are the images that tell our story.

How many times we looked at a beautiful image that we knew almost nothing about? It was just a beautiful image. When it’s infused with stories, it comes alive. It shines and speaks. It takes shape.

I was always surrounded by photography as legacy, as something to cherish and pass on, as a means to remember stories, people, feelings. A time machine. I constantly browsed through my parent’s wedding photos, through my grandma and great-grandma’s photo boxes and I came up with lots of love. Love for them, their stories and photography.

My maternal great-grandmother had portraits of her mum and dad, of her six daughters and of all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She cherished them all. On the walls, in the wooden box she had in one of her bedrooms. She loved keeping people, loved ones alive in her mind and in front of her eyes. She loved looking at us as we were her legacy, her creation and most cherished possession. She loved us and we loved her.

My maternal grandma, her daughter, had her walls filled with pictures of us - her own daughters and granddaughters. During my summer vacations, I remember frequently looking at them and thinking about how times were back then, how young we all were and most importantly, how loved. In her master bedroom she had a picture of my late grandfather, her husband. The picture portrayed him as a young man in his 20’s or 30’s, very well groomed and presentable.

Back then there were no sloppy photos, only posed and emotionless portraits, framed up the wall. I kept wondering what his life was like the day he went to take that picture, what was he feeling? Then there were the family photos, taken outside, picturing them having fun, sharing summer days, winter days and many other moments of happiness. And they all had a story.

There was also the shoe-box. The photographs-filled shoe-box. The stories in there made up for hours and hours of talking with and listening to my grandma revive times that had gone by, remembering herself, remembering my mother’s childhood, remembering me and all in between. The stories wouldn’t have been the same without pictures, without portraits. Having an actual image of the people she was telling me about gave life, color and shape to what I was imagining. It made it more real, more human, it brought it closer and helped make a connection.

I grew up with the knowledge that stories and images bring people together and create a bond that can’t ever be broken. Things in life change, people get old and die. It’s the way this world works. But the stories remain. The emotions stay alive. You can always remember something, but memories fade away, you forget details that made you happy, you forget colors and feelings. They fade away with time. A photograph brings those stories back up sharp and in full detail. You can fully remember. You feel it again. It’ all coming back.

The years went by and we didn’t take so many photographs. At least not of us as a family. I took many pictures of my grandma, but I’m not present in any of them. The only two pictures I have with the two of us are the ones we made back when I was one. The thing that I remember most vividly about her was that warm smile she had on whenever we were around. One evening, as I was going back home and saying goodbye, as she laid in bed, she looked at me with her bright blue eyes and said: “You’ll miss me when I’m gone, won’t you?”. And then we smiled at eachother and said goodbye. A few years ago, she passed away at 78. I will cherish those pictures for a lifetime. I had them printed and now they’re displayed on my walls. She filled my life with stories and now I’m going to help fill your lives with them too.

Shapes Studio - Visual Storytelling is bringing together what I love doing most: hearing/telling stories and taking pictures of people. Stories of you and your loved ones. Visual stories. Portrait photography.

I’ve spent my entire life listening to other’s stories and learning from them. We all have limited lives, with a limited set of choices. But we can learn a whole lot more if we just listen. Hear out other people’s stories so that we can have more choices and thus learn more, live more. Create visual stories that keep the lessons alive, the memories alive.

This is my “WHY”. I want to gift this kind of experiences to you. Time slips by and you’ll want to keep the people you love close to you forever. Portrait photography keeps memories alive, keeps loved ones alive in your heart. Family is important. Feelings are important. Relationships matter.

Exist in photos. Remember them and let them remember you. Every portrait has a story. Let me tell yours.

Sincerely yours,
Denisa

Thank you for taking time to read this post. Read the previous one in the Creative Choices series HERE and HERE.

The following months we'll go deeper into what it takes to become stronger: body, mind and spirit. To become the architect of your wished lifestyle.

Until then, I thank you for being here. Liked this post? Share it with friends. Want to receive more articles like this right into your inbox? Add your email to the SMart Choosers list HERE. You’ll receive every new article and a monthly Newsletter of wonderful resources and insight, to help you make the smart choices that best fit your lifestyle.

Creative Choices: Why Is My Portrait Photography Project Named SHAPES?

A creative choice is that decision to make something creative. It also involves your reasons, motivations and values. As I've said before in many articles on this blog, choices define who we are. It goes the other way round too: who we are defines the choices we make. It's all connected. Let me tell you more about my creative choice. Read on!

THREE YEARS AGO, IN DECEMBER

(Originally written on 16th of December 2013)

<<I often get faced with this simple question: "Why Shapes? Why did you name your project like that?". The answer is just as simple.

All around us is a shape of some sort. Trees, cars, animals, houses. All inside us has a metaphorical shape: our dreams, our plans, our memories, and even our feelings. We imagine and make plans following a pattern, a model, a scheme. Their visual expression on paper is a shape, a structure.

Given the fact that i chose to express myself via images and stories through images, the term "shapes" came naturally to me. Even since I was in primary school, I found myself very attracted to geometry, and what is geometry but the science of mathematical shapes!? I translated this concept in the way I would like to compose my images: with the use of shapes and forms.

In photography, the composition rules follow patterns, lines... geometry. Every image, if it is constructed via those rules, has a shape, an internal pattern that guides the eye through it (i.e. the rule of thirds, the Fibonacci number, etc).

In graphic design, geometry is self explanatory: vectors are grouped into groups that form objects, prints and so on. Ad a pinch of color and a whole world of shapes is born.

Last but not least, our whole world is made of shapes. I'm made of shapes, you're made of shapes. Thus my artistical concept is... a shape. A shape of my universe, of the way I create, of the way I represent the reality outside myself.>>

Thank you for taking time to read this post. Read the previous one in the Creative Choices series HERE.

The following months we'll go deeper into what it takes to become stronger: body, mind and spirit. To become the architect of your wished lifestyle. To become #strongerthanMS.

Until then, I thank you for being here. Liked this post? Share it with friends. Want to receive more articles like this right into your inbox? Add your email to the SMart Choosers list HERE. You’ll receive every new article and a monthly Newsletter of wonderful resources and insight, to help you make the smart choices that best fit your lifestyle.

Sincerely yours,

Denisa

Multiple Sclerosis Can Wake You Up To Follow Your Dreams (and Quit Postponing Them)

We think we have life planned already. We think that we know everything and most of the times postpone or discard our oldest dreams and passions as being "just a hobby", "just a dream". Well, it's "just life" that has the power to teach us a very important lesson: never let go of the things that make your soul feel happy and at peace. Life is passing anyway. Follow your dreams. Find a way to make them happen. Adapt. This is my story and what can you learn from it all.

THREE YEARS AGO

(Originally written on 3rd of April 2013)

"Let me tell you a story. A story about strength, creativity, challenges and most of all passion. It all happened one blizzardy Sunday, on the 22nd of December of 1985. The day I got into this world in the first place. 

Since I can remember I simply loved making up stories and characters. Normal stuff for a kid my age you would say. But this instinct never left me. I began by listening to my grandmother's childhood recollections, her stories about times that I had never experienced, and people I would never meet, and yet I found them fascinating. When my gran wasn't around, I had my mom filling up her role and reading me stories every night, as we laid in bed. I listened to her tales of Mahabharata, The Nibelunges, Tristan and Isolda, romanian fairytales, Grimm fairytales and many others. I remember she used to sing to me 'till I fell asleep, and went away into a world of fantasy and imagination as my dreams were magically created following so many stories. 

My school years followed the same pattern, just that I now followed my own stories that I developed in my mind after reading most of my grandmother's library. It was my escape from homework and other boring stuff you might hate being a kid. I found myself free whenever I played all the stories in my head and each time we had to do a composition or an essay for school. Playing around with my cousin imagining we were the best of all the superheroes that ever existed took its toll, and after years and years it still brings up nostalgic memories. 

All this urge to make up stories and give them back to the world found its match when I decided to study movie directing after finishing highschool. Unfortunately, given the circumstances, I never got to do that, and I'm now a licensed sociologist, with a major in Communication and Public Opinion. 

Since I graduated from University, the story bug never left me, and for a few years now it found it's expression in the form of photography and graphic design. These are the things I most enjoy doing, and although my daytime job doesn't allow me to do this full time, I am absolutely sure that I found my place in this world and that this is my path in life. Thus, on the 5th of November 2010, Shapes Photography was born.

A place in which all my ideas and stories could come to life, day by day, bit by bit... through image. Nonetheless, I never abandoned my writing skills, and since the beginning of 2012, Shapes was added the "storytelling" part. The whole project is now named Shapes Studio - Photography, Graphic Design and Storytelling. As 2013 came up, I began making lots of plans to put Shapes "to business", and hoping that this dear project to my soul will catch its wings and become what I want it to become: a place where imagination and stories come alive, a place where art shines bright and where people's life stories get to influence others. 

I'm not making a schedule of my posts or of what and when I'm going to post here, but I do promise that this year it's gonna be all about Shapes and it's will to create. My will to create beautiful images that tell interesting stories, my will to give the world a part of the beauty it has raised me up in... My will to make my late grandmother proud of me, and thus make her live again through my work and actions.

This April 10th commemorates one year since she has left this world. She was a powerful woman, that inspired my creativity from an early age. She had challenges and I'll have mine. I'll follow her example and follow my passion. I will never settle until I reach my goal. I'll make her proud."

AFTERMATH & FOLLOWUP

Time went by and I somehow left my dreams aside for the "real world", for "the real job", for "the job who will pay the bills". I was basically a machine, to put it lightly. I lived my life without being present and fully understanding and feeling what I was experiencing. I felt like a hamster on a spinning wheel. All this while watching my dreams and plans almost at my reach, but couldn't yet touch them.

And then, one year later, in 2014, multiple sclerosis touched me. In in fact kicked me into reality. Mentally and emotionally, I now had to face the uncertainty of an (excuse the redundancy) unpredictable illness, that threatened to take my body away from me. That was the slap on the face that my life and God gave me. I was to entrapped into living by the rules that most of the people around me lived, yet none of them seemed truly happy, truly living a purposeful life.

And then I slowly began to get back to myself, to the person I have always been and to the dreams that I always had. That's what I feel I need to do in this life: tell the stories of people and somehow help them find the best version of themselves, inside and out. Visual ones, written ones, all together. God will lead me there, I have no doubt about it. It's just about the choices I make.

Thank you for taking time to read this post.

The following months we'll go deeper into what it takes to become stronger: body, mind and spirit. To become the architect of your wished lifestyle. To become #strongerthanMS.

Until then, I thank you for being here. Liked this post? Share it with friends. Want to receive more articles like this right into your inbox? Add your email to the SMart Choosers list HERE. You’ll receive every new article and a monthly Newsletter of wonderful resources and insight, to help you make the smart choices that best fit your lifestyle.

Sincerely yours,

Denisa

Storytelling MS: Feelings from a lonely soul (by Louise S.)

Storytelling = “the conveying of events in words, sound and/or images, often by improvisation or embellishment. Stories or narratives have been shared in every culture as a means of entertainment, education, cultural preservation and instilling moral values.” (Wikipedia)

~~~

Stories have been at the center of our cultures since times immemorial. We used them to pass on knowledge, sing and honor our heroes in legends and folktales, to transmit moral values in fables and fairytales. A story is the perfect way through which we connect to another human being. You never know who might get inspired.

Stories allow us to be heard and accepted by peers and others around us. They help us gather and organize our thoughts and experiences and organize them to be able to provide a coherent structure.

We constantly tell others who we are through the things we share, choose, say or do. Our memories, experiences and values are kept and passed on through storytelling. As individuals, we constantly interpret the events we experience through our own self development. The stories we tell to the world are a mirror we provide to others like us.

Multiple sclerosis is an illness that aims to interrupt communication and the connection we have with the outside world. I truly believe that storytelling has the power to inspire and make us ride smoothly or smoother this rollercoaster we call “our life with MS”. It helps with letting you know that you are not alone in this, thus vulnerability dampens as you share and are understood by others. Empathy is the antidote for feeling either shame or unworthiness.

This idea came from the wonderful Brene Brown, the author of the bestselling book “Daring Greatly” and “Rising Strong”. These two books kinda “pushed me off the fence” for good, and empowered me to tell the story of MSers to the MSers. We are all beautiful human beings, who only happen to have MS. The most important thing we have is the feeling that we’re not alone. Together we can grow stronger, even with a chronic illness.

This week, I invite you into Louise’s story. With or without MS, life is worth living. It will all pass. We are stronger.

AND SO HER STORY GOES

"Sitting recalling events from a life long passed, I wonder how life became so cold, almost unbearable. My words and thoughts are rarely heard by others. Only by writing, can I feel truly free without judgment or criticism. Pity was neither welcomed nor needed, only a familiar face that was a close friend. Long days and even longer nights, have allowed me to reflect on memories of happier times.

An abundance of friends, fearless in groups and always ready to meet new people. You never anticipate the loss of a personality trait, the realization of your new reality leaves bewilderment and fear. Fear of never regaining the zest for life and confidence once held. Wondering if and when communication and laughter, would flow so effortlessly and meaningfully as before. The ability to connect with others, seems daunting even impossible. I struggle daily to convey my thoughts verbally, as I'm ashamed of this fearful, feeble, weak person I've become. Unrecognizable passing time until I'm reborn, and ready to start living! Self acceptance was never my strong suit, but I'm trying.

All my girlfriends are mothers now, and busy nurturing their children. I now have phone friends, since most have moved far away. I've been on long term disability for eleven years now, so meeting new people, and socializing is foreign to me. For many years I didn't want to leave my house, because I felt so horrible with the devastating effects of Multiple Sclerosis. Now I feel better than I have in years, and wanting desperately to feel comfortable in social situations. I feel like I'm the new kid in school, who has zero social skills and drowning in her fears.

I feel like I'm the new kid in school, who has zero social skills and drowning in her fears.

This is a turning point in my life, as I need and desire the interactions with new people. I should be amazed at how far I've come, especially when considering where I've been. 

About five years ago my words were very muffled and inaudible. I was tired of my friends and family, asking me to repeat myself. Not talking was just a better option, or one word answers that were guaranteed not to require more explanation. I knew at this point spoken words, were difficult to say, let alone my word processing and retrieval were noticeably impaired. I spoke very slowly, and I was frustrating to others who were obligated to listen to me. I basically could not carry a conversation, so I lived like a hermit in solitude! It felt like I was imprison in my own mind, speaking to select friends, family and my husband. I understand that I was stubborn, it's a wonder that the remaining people didn't give up on me. Like the saying goes, "you find out who your true friends are, when going through the toughest times"! That is very true, just hard to accept/understand.

Like the saying goes, "you find out who your true friends are, when going through the toughest times"!

Now I'm finally feeling better, needing and wanting to revamp my friends and start over. It's going to be the hardest to overcome my comfort zone (my home), but I'm tired of the same daily routine. Change is seldom wanted, but in this case required. It's time to start living again, I'm just not sure where to begin. Trial and error will be my new normal until I can feel comfort in my own skin.

This is challenging, being 40 and realizing that everything is new and different than before. I never understood people with MultIple Sclerosis that say, "I have MS but MS doesn't have me". In my case MS has had me for the past 11 years or so. In all honesty, I feel MS has definitely changed me. I can't say for certain if it's a good or bad thing, just different. I can say, I have experienced true pain and impossible situations, but I'm stronger for it! My life is very different than the way I had envisioned it, but I really believe it's how you handle negative situations that will make or break you.

I never understood people with MultIple Sclerosis that say, "I have MS but MS doesn't have me". In my case MS has had me for the past 11 years or so. In all honesty, I feel MS has definitely changed me. I can't say for certain if it's a good or bad thing, just different.

Yes I would had loved to have kids, and that feeling of life growing inside me. Realistically, MS has stolen that opportunity! I don't want to admit this, but that is my one wish, that I could have been a mother. Adoption is the only way, but my own biological child is out of the question, since having had a bone marrow transplant. It was done to halt the progression of MS, a decision made, at the time, as it was my only alternative. I guess I can't blame MS for the inability to have a child, in hindsight I would have protected my eggs for future use. I am very grateful for having had the BMT, but sad that I will NEVER have any biological children.

That contributes to the loneliness I'm so familiar with. I am slowly dealing with my emotions surrounding my biggest hurdle; loneliness! I never anticipated being so young, and being in a wheelchair. Reality is, people do not want to associate, socialize, let alone being true friends with a person in a wheelchair. That's been my experience. I don't understand how so many friends I held for years, progressively dwindled as my MS progressed. It is challenging to reveal these feelings I buried for an eternity. I thought things would change, but nothing has! I'm brutally honest, as I know that these feelings are all too common among wheelchair users. I try focusing on the future, rather than being stuck in the past. Only facing my truth and acknowledging my faults, will things change.

I try focusing on the future, rather than being stuck in the past. Only facing my truth and acknowledging my faults, will things change.

The first thing I must change is my perception of who I am. I will not accept MS as being my fault, its only my reactions to my unique circumstance that are my "fault". MS will always be a part of me that will never change. Today is a new day, where I promise to live the life I want regardless of my diagnosis. I will stop apologizing for my health and things I can't change, I will choose to say I can and I will, I will set new goals starting today, I will not sweat the small things and be grateful for what I have. I will learn to laugh again, and feel comfortable around others. I will stop thinking that others are judging me, some might but I will not care. I am me and I embrace the future, with MS being as my sidekick, rather than MS defining me as a person. For all the naysayers out there, never assume I can't because that just fuels me even more.

I consider myself to be an advocate for the disabled and strive to make everyday count. I am not perfect by any means, I'll have bad days (like everyone) but make it my mission to carry on living the best life I can. I choose to be happy, resourceful and independent. For many years I lived like a hermit, but those days are gone. I am truly living, creating/inventing to hopefully make a positive impact on the world, specifically with disabled individuals.

I am truly living, creating/inventing to hopefully make a positive impact on the world, specifically with disabled individuals.

Currently I am working on an accessible, functional swimsuit line called Advanced Freedom. Swimming is my absolute favorite activity. As I progress with this disease, I realize that swimsuits were definitely not created to include all abilities. I've had bladder issues from the onset of MS. The typical one piece swimsuit is just not practical to dress/undress, especially for a disabled individual. When the swimsuit is wet, it creates an almost impossible task when needing to use the washroom. Since I go to the washroom frequently, one piece swimsuits presently are just not an option. Once all women reach a certain age and/or having had children, coverage of the mid section is of top priority. Shouldn't there be an accessible one piece that provides coverage, while accommodating the need for going to the washroom?

To tackle this issue I've invented a "one piece, two piece swimsuit". It's a beautiful one piece swimsuit, that is actually two! The top and bottom portions are held together by magnetic buttons on each side of your waist. The magnets are waterproof so chlorinated or salt water doesn't affect the strength or condition of the magnets. It works beautifully and can be worn by all women. Women of all abilities, sizes and ages can now find their one piece transformed into the new, more convenient, two piece. Unlike regular tankinis the swimsuit will not ride upwards in the water. It is considered a one piece to everyone else.

Tankinis can also stay tankinis with the magnets going down the back/side of the upper portion of the top. It resolves two problems, one being it keeps the tankini in position when in the water, and two being more accessible for people who cannot raise their arms over their head. It also adds an extra element of style to existing tankinis.

It is my mission to make disabled people feel more comfortable in their own skin, while feeling included in society. I'm starting with swimsuits because I feel disabled people have been forgotten when designing bathing suits.

It is my mission to make disabled people feel more comfortable in their own skin, while feeling included in society. I'm starting with swimsuits because I feel disabled people have been forgotten when designing bathing suits. It's especially close to my heart, as I myself almost gave up on a sport I loved so much. Not to mention the benefits of swimming for a disabled person.

It is also a project that I will be proud of, regardless of my circumstance. Multiple Sclerosis has not and will not change my mission in life. While loneliness is still my biggest hurdle, in time I hope that changes. I think through making inclusion a priority, things will fall into place. Society as a whole will not change, if there isn't people with disabilities fighting for the greater good.

It's all about trying to keep busy, and providing something that will help others. The swimsuits are only my first idea, my thoughts are never ending. Others won't hire me, so I'm hiring myself. If it can help me, it will help many others in similar situations. Life has altered my initial plans, but I'm creating new ones. Life is not measured by suffering, but rather by giving your outlook and positive reach to others.

Louise

P.S.: If you are interested in learning more about this adaptive swimsuit called Advanced Freedom, I am on Google+ under my name Louise Sertsis."

CALL TO ACTION

I now invite you to tell your story. I want to tell these stories to the world, to show even more light on MS and on the strong people that live with it, research it, treat it and make sure it’s voice is heard. Are you up to #storytellMS?

Send me your stories at smartchoice.livingwithms@gmail.com and I’ll feature you as a GUEST BLOGGER each week, from June 2016 onwards. The stories can be signed with your name or send anonymous, it’s your choice.

WRAPPING THINGS UP!

The following months we'll go deeper into what it takes to become independent: body, mind and spirit. To become the architect of your wished lifestyle. To become #strongerthanMS.

Until then, I thank you for being here. Liked this post? Share it with friends. Want to receive more articles like this right into your inbox? Add your email to the SMart Choosers list HERE. You’ll receive every new article and a monthly Newsletter of wonderful resources and insight, to help you make the smart choices that best fit your lifestyle.

Sincerely yours,

Denisa