The Fear of Being Judged and How Can That Mess With Your Online Content

So I’ve been blogging for quite some time now and my inner perfectionist hasn’t been pleased with the results. Each week, I almost forced myself to find new and relevant subjects to write about, making myself forget why I even started SMart Choice in the first place. That alone can get one feel frustration, anxiety and lack of accomplishments.

And then it dawned on me! I was doing it all wrong! A personal blog shouldn’t be built upon what others expect you to write or on what topics you think people might be interested in! Of course you want to put out your best content and make people either feel better about themselves or help their day in one way or another. Of course you want to put out informative and entertaining content that they ask for and/or need at some point.

The part that almost got out of hand is that where I ended up with general subject posts, when all that I wanted to do in the first place is to write from my own point of view, and thus be able to share my story with like-minded people who might be facing the same situations.

But the mind is equally powerful in two ways: it can make or it can brake your ideas. I’ve written before about why I started a platform talking about my MS story and related topics, but the core-reason slipped away.

I remember how alone I used to feel after receiving my diagnosis and all the frustration towards not knowing no one my age that dealed with the same issues. I searched high and low on the internet, stayed away from all the “classic” horror stories one might find and decided to have a place where I can shine a light over this disease and offer a kind word to anyone who might be in the same situation I was.

I had so many things to say, so many stories to share and so much love and encouragement to give, that I focused to much on doing things by the book and ended up leaving myself somewhere along the road, silenced by my own blog. Imagine that! The irony!

I created a fixed structure that aimed to inform, give health tips and lifestyle articles on a weekly basis, touching some of the “hot topics” in the life of an MSer. Things like fatigue, work and changes have been recurrent topics on SMart Choice, and each generated a fair amount of engagement on Twitter and Instagram.

But where did I fit in? I gasped for air as I searched for the authenticity in the story I wanted to tell. I have been totally honest in all of my articles, but something was missing. That something that sparked in an article here and there and then went off in silence.

We all have the fear of being judged and being labeled, even much so when you have a chronic illness that not many people know about. But now I know better! I thought about all the lovely and brave people I’ve got to know over the last year, and that gave me back the courage to speak my own voice. So many MSers out there came into their own and I feel like it’s time for me to do that too.

After all, I am not defined by my illness, but by my power to live life to the fullest, by the things that I am good at and by the kindness I am so wanting to put out in the world. Long story short, I want to rebuild SMart Choice Lifestyle and shape it around the life and the stories I can give to the world. Make it about the point of view that I can add to so many others that are online.

Expect books, short story writing, visual storytelling, yoga, psychology, brain health and more. All that lived on top of what we MSers call “the snowflake disease”, and that others might know as multiple sclerosis.

It feels so good to take that out of my chest! Especially after the massive anxiety attack I had last night. It came out of nowhere and lifted all my senses into flaming fear. But that’s a whole other article. Soon to come!

Sorry if for some of you it might sound a little overdramatic, that’s how my writing tends to be. It’s missing all the voice, gestures and tonallity that you would have when hearing me talk about the same stuff in real life. Curious about any aspect I talk about? Just ask and I’ll be happy to give you an answer as soon as I can.

Lots of love,

Alexandra

About Change & Multiple Sclerosis. An Energetic Tale on Growth & Finding Your Inner Strength

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s what they say. And that’s what I subscribe to myself.

Almost a year ago, in the days following the hospitalization for my first optic neuritis and Solumedrol experience, I felt less ego than I ever felt before. Something shifted inside me and made me realize that all that matters is how you behave and most of all how you make others feel. In spite of the corticosteroids making me moody and a cry-baby for the whole week, I was able to comfort the persons around me.

At first, they looked curiously at this young girl who had an i.v. jacked in her hand and was cheering them up. As days went by, I felt them warm up, as they realized it was not mere politeness, but that I really cared for their well-being. I helped as much as I could, listening to their stories and encouraging them. My greatest reward was that I could see their eyes smiling back at me. They appreciated what I did for them.

“However it manifests itself, after a transformative experience, your perspective shifts and the desire to get up and do something becomes strong.”

(George Pepper, co-founder of Shift.ms)

Even now, as I remember those days, it still makes me cry. There is so much sorrow in this world and we don’t even notice it. We are not aware. The irony of life is that it does not ask your ego if it wants to be bashed against walls when given an incurable diagnosis. No. Life just happens and sometimes it is cruel.

You feel like all the life is being sucked out of you. Denial kicks in, tears come and go, laughter comes and goes (ok, it might have been the Solumedrol acting on this one :)) ). You then begin your journey of discovery. You begin to search and read all that you can lay your hands on related to MS. You begin to understand and to explain it to people around you. You begin to feel empowered. You begin to change.

Change has always been a hard issue to face by anybody. We don’t like change. It pulls us out of our comfort zone. It’s dissruptive. People are creatures of habit, and although we might do new things, we stand firm on our foundations and refuse to move. We call that “growing a personality” and/or “having principles”.

Enter multiple sclerosis.

Your personality suffers a major blow right in the head. Your principles crumble as you face the humbling shadow of this complex disease. And here you begin to shift.

There are many destinations you can arrive through this shifting process: you can change for the worst or you can change for the better. The trick is to find the energy needed to dig out of the hole multiple sclerosis has prepared for you.

Reach out to people. Ask questions. Get educated on the disease itself. Mind your intuition and stay close to your loved ones. Life with MS does not only involve you. It is a family disease. Whatever you do, keep on moving. Metaphorically AND literally.

Fight back MS with all you can: shift your eating, shift your sleeping patterns, your relaxation times, reduce stress and EXERCISE. It does so much good. It helps you not just physically but mentally as well.

<<It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I learnt psychologists recognise this positive reaction to life changing news as post-traumatic growth. Academic supporters of these ideas are keen to remind us that: "importantly, and this just can’t be emphasised enough, this does not mean that trauma is not also destructive and distressing. No one welcomes adversity. But the research evidence shows us that over time people can find benefits in their struggle with adversity."(Prof Stephen Joseph, Ph.D, 2014)>>

(George Pepper quotting Prof. Stephen Joseph)

Do whatever you can. Change. But use this opportunity to grow, not to become a bitter person. Bitter is easy. I know, I’ve been there for a while (and still make some visits now and then :)) ). It is not a pretty place.

Breathe, this too shall pass. Have faith in yourself!

Sincerely,

Alexandra

P.S. Question: How did MS change you? Tell us your story on our Facebook, our Twitter or in a comment down below. Thank you for visiting!
(photo credit)