We all want to be in charge of our life and all that relates to it. Let’s imagine it to be a beautiful, green forest. It has lots of trees, lots of shade, lots of shapes and sizes and a few dark corners where our worries and secrets lie.
One day, an unknown force takes over and lurkes inside, deeper and deeper. You pay more and more attention to every tree, to every leaf movement, to every sound. Everything in the forrest now has to have your whole attention. As time goes by, you end up so close to the trees that you get to see the little hairs on the back of the ant on the tree bark. And by doing so, you lose sight of the forest in all it’s grace and fullness. All that you can’t see or control scares you, and you get more and more tense.
The same with a chronic illness. It comes uninvited into your life, bringing worry, angst and fear of the unknown. You do all this research online, in books, you ask doctors, nurses. You begin to question yourself, everyday is another opportunity to learn more and more about this new thing that threatens to take over your body. Every minute becomes a good moment to analyze every single strange sensation or reaction that you might have. It’s a state of hyper-vigilance, a false state of being in control on what’s happening to you.
Almost a year has gone by since I’ve started treatment with Copaxone. Some find relief in having it, because it slows down the progression of the illness. And I know that. I am forever grateful for the chain of events that lead me to be able to have this treatment.
It makes me angry knowing that young people like me still don’t have acces to treatment, still aren’t being diagnosed or even taken into account, although they are contributors to the society I come from. This is one important topic about which you will be reading and hearing a lot more this year.
Getting back to today’s issue, what can a treatment do for my emotional state, for my thoughts and reactions versus an invisible illness, versus symptoms and relapses? It has some power over the relapse rate and illness progression, and I am again very grateful for that. But in terms of helping me get out of that dark place I was putting myself into… not so much.
In fact, it has somewhat made my anxiety even worse, as I had some not so good injections, many frustrations linked to injecting along the way, the constant reminder that I am sick and have an incurable disease and that I must rely on a needle to get some control. In the meantime, my internal control was losing balance.
On the surface all was good and well. I ate better, exercised, rested and relaxed as long as I needed to. It all seemed ok. But internally I was fearing a depresion comming in.
I consider it a very serious topic and don’t ever take it lightly. I had the opportunity to do my undergraduate thesis on depression in adolescents and I know how dangerous it can be.
All the angst I was feeling, all the gray and dull days I went through and the partial loss of the joy in my life made me look even closer into my emotions and lifestyle. But the harder I looked, the harder the truth was hiding away from me. The darker the forest became.
Rationally, I have been aware of this in me for a long time. Emotionally, I was still not accepting it. I scrutinized every new tingling, every needle-like sensation in the eyes, every clumsiness or fatigue. Although I knew that all these had more to do with not sleeping enough hours a night, hormonal changes or not paying enough attention to what I was doing, I kept that intensive, extensive watch. What if I wasn’t aware of a sudden change in my body or symptoms and then it all got worse?! What if it caught me off guard?
Last night I realised that I’m micromanaging my multiple sclerosis (symptoms, reactions, etc) and thus my entire life. Although I’ve made some great choices that help me feel good every day, there was always this watcher at the back of my mind, watcher that didn’t allow me to fully relax and enjoy the way my days went.
This time it was an emotional awareness. This was the source of all my rampant anxiety and fear. Given the micromanagement, anything that kept me from entirely controlling every aspect of my life got me angry, anxious and annoyed. Thus I couldn’t relax, enjoy the moment and live it fully.
This micromanagement was not fully present. I also had moments when I let go and those were the most memorable and dear to my heart. Those moments were the ones where I gave myself some space to breathe, to move, to just be. Those were the moments when I take a few steps back from the trees and begin to see the forest, the leaves, the shapes, the sky. These were the moments when I breathed deeply, hugged tightly and dreamt optimistically.
Now I open my eyes and will do my best every single day. It’s the best gift I have: the choice to live bravely!
Repeating this might sound redundant, but getting to the root cause of all my missfortunes for almost two years now, was a real relief. The proverbial stone lifted of my chest and I could once more see the forest in all its glory. It was still there, moving as the wind blew by, with the trees of my self deeply rooted in experience, knowledge and watered by all the love and gratitude I felt inside my heart for all the good things in my life.
Going through this is a breath of fresh air. A real one after such a long time of giving in to my fears and scares.
Choose what’s best for you.
Choose yourself.
So, I encourage you to take a few steps back from whatever hardship you might be facing right now. May it be MS related, job related, relationships related or combined, it doesn’t matter. Mentally and emotionally, get away from it and look at how it is. Look at the real situation, no adding, no substracting. Look at it as it is, good or bad.
Once again, accept life for what it is. Let go of the worries that no longer serve you, grieve if you need to. Then take a deep breath to calm your mind. Close your eyes and picture what you can do to feel, be or make better. Open your eyes and look at your forrest. Work with what you have now. Focus on the positives, as hard as it might be, focus on what you still can do and do it fully and wholeheatedly.
Push through the sadness, the grief, the loss, the disability and the loneliness. People can help you, medicine can help you, but you are the only one responsible for your choices.
Choose to keep on living. Choose what’s best for you. Choose yourself.
Have a wonderful day!
Alexandra