I still remember the tunnel vision that sliced the room in two parts: my mind and the rest of the world. All the eyes that were on me after the room got quiet did not matter. All that was important at that moment were my mum slowly pulling out a chair and sitting down, and my shattered identity. The tears were racing towards my eyes, but I wanted… I needed to be strong. Not for me… for her! It did not matter that I was just given a life-long diagnosis. All that I could focus on is what would THEY do if I get worse? What would my loved ones do now that I had Multiple Sclerosis?
WHAT IS MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS?
Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a chronic (life-long) inflammatory autoimmune disorder of the central nervous system (the brain, spinal cord and optic nerves). Nerve cells are covered in an insulating cover called a myelin sheath (it wraps around the nerve, like a little doughnut). Autoimmune diseases mean that your own body begins to attack itself. In MS, the immune system confuses myelin sheaths with something harmful and thus destroys them.
This process is called demyelination, and it results in damaged nerves that cannot transmit impulses - resulting in a vast array of symptoms, ranging from pins and needles, numbness, to paralysis and, blindness and even death (in the more advanced and aggressive forms). Instead of keeping its integrity and acting like a unit, the body goes rogue on the brain, its command center. It’s main effect is disconnection.
All my life I’ve identified with what others thought and said about me. When their opinions and behaviors were bully-ish, aggressive and truly offensive, my self-image had to suffer. It got damaged, leading to low self-esteem and constant efforts to being liked and accepted by my peers. All this, sprinkled with emotionally internalizing all family conflicts (big or small), rose stress to an unbearable level, possibly triggering my body to attack itself.
It was the command I kept giving to my cells through actions, thoughts and emotions. Body postures that I kept, neuro-programming that came out of habitual negative behavior and hormonal / neurochemical imbalance, topped with being overweight and in spiritual disconnection with myself and God, all might have lead to developing Multiple Sclerosis. Or at least that’s my theory on the issue.
But that was the struggle part of my life. The best parts were my family and friends, people that raised, inspired and formed me in more ways than one. From them I have inherited a survivor attitude, the need to always rise back from where I fell and keep trying, keep living.
This innate resilience got coated with all the answers I looked and searched for during the past (almost) three years since receiving the diagnosis. I not only wanted to bounce back, but I wanted to THRIVE, to be my best version, to stay on top of all that was to come, while I adapted my lifestyle accordingly.
WHO WAS I REALLY - THE JOURNEY INWARDS
But then I realized that I was disconnected from my core self. Who was I and where was I going in life? I had lots of dreams, but… WHY did I want to pursue them in the first place? This chronic illness was now part of my body and I did not know who I was behind all those social masks that we all have! So I went deep inwards. VERY deep! And eventually I reached my core. I brought a light to the deepest, most inner corners of my body, mind and soul. I now understand and know myself. I have my guiding light. It was there all along. Jesus was waiting for me to learn through all the struggles my bad and self-harming choices had put me through.
I now have the feeling that I accumulated enough information, and did enough research and exploration (both inwards and outwards) to be able to make my voice heard in the world, in the areas that matter most: self-love, love for others, all in and through God.
I took the road less-travelled to journey inwards and discover, [re]CONNECT with myself and others through creative / expressive writing, art and blogging. Lots of key-areas to cover from now on, but mostly focused on brain, mental and spiritual health.
WHAT'S NEXT FOR SMart CHOICE LIFESTYLE?
I feel the need to express myself and help others along the way, inspire and empower them to [re]CONNECT to what’s important: to themselves, to others and to God. To be of service. To LOVE OUT LOUD and make pride less. I want to empower people on how to be true to their core selves and live a fulfilling life, while using and living a brand that creates the financial means for all that. [re]CONNECT around LOVE. Get back to themselves, go within, travel, explore, grow, become their best version.
I choose weekly blogging, because everyday I have to serve, I have to storytell and teach. We’ll take themes one at a time, have some structure, but allow flexibility. Schedule and limit choices just to be at ease. Declutter and prioritize. And most of all, EASE INTO IT. Build your lifestyle around what you do, around your priorities. Share your lessons with the WORLD. Grow. All is coming.
My core theme is CONNECTION. It is about the way I see the world, the connection with yourself, with God, with others. Make a connection, interact, collaborate. When everything else wants to tear you apart, find the road back to relationships, back to connection.
It’s easy to show and give love to the ones we’re used to and are similar to us. But love is universal and should be given wholeheartedly to each and every human in need. A broken heart, fear and pain are just the same for all of us. No matter the color of our skin, no matter what we bow to and believe in.
God commanded us to love one another. Even in our darkest night, our deepest pain, LOVE has to be universal and given without making any differences.
So, my next journey is towards self-love and giving it back to people. Are you with me? :)
Until next time, have a wonderful day!
Denisa
